It's Amazing How Inanimate Objects Can Talk Dirty
by KlainexXxArygon
Summary: Wes, David and Blaine have to pretend to be inanimate objects and talk with each other...only inanimate objects don't talk, especially not so disgustingly...


_Okay, I wrote this as soon as I got back from my first day of school and this is pretty much what happened only it is my normal teacher and she's really good. _

_This is basically what happened during my period of double English, only we had to talk to an actual inanimate object, not pretend to be one. Now I warn you this is quite rude that's why it's rated T. _

_Enjoy, and I hope you get a kick out of it._

* * *

McKinley wasn't the only school that had substitutes. Dalton did too. Rarely, but they did.

As this one left the class wondering how the hell she'd gotten her teaching degree. She's told them to split out into groups and pretend they were inanimate objects and figure out what they'd say to each other...only inanimate objects don't talk...

So it was only natural that Blaine joined Wes and David. He didn't really mind what they were to do, and so it was partly his fault when he ended up as a tap.

Wes was a knife and David decided it would be funny to be a stove. Blaine was barely listening as his thoughts were on his crush, the one and only Kurt Hummel.

'So, my dear knife, how are you feeling today?' David winked.

Wes pretended to blush. 'Oh my, I'm heating up.'

Blaine snorted. 'You two would never work.'

The boy, or kitchen appliances I might correct, both glared at him. 'And why ever not?'

'Because the stove would melt the knife and his love would be a puddle of molten metal.'

Wes gave David an evil glance. 'And you're one to talk?'

Blaine raised a thick eyebrow at him. 'Excuse me?'

'Every time you look at a certain young soprano-'

Blaine started to blush, before slipping back into character. 'I am a tap. I have no idea what you are talking about.'

David grinned. 'We were talking about the person who turns you on.'

The senior closed his eyes. 'That's a terrible pun.'

'Actually I thought it was quite funny...'

Wes rolled his eyes at David and started again. 'So Blaine, have you been attached to any Armani hoses lately?'

Blaine, who had been sipping from his latte, choked and started coughing violently. While the teacher thumped his back, the guys at the surrounding tables chuckled, grinning darkly.

'I don't know Wes, have you been with any forks lately?

Wes grinned. 'No, I've been with the spoons. What about you David?'

'Oh I've just been heating up the odd saucepan. So Blaine, are you ready to answer our question?'

The senior looked between both boys. 'You guys are sick.'

'Well I'm sure there are plenty of other taps out there Blaine. If you don't get a move on and put out, he'll find another tap!'

Blaine leapt up. 'Shut up! You guys are so disgusting!'

'What's going on here?' The substitute flitted over again.

'Nothing.' Blaine mumbled, taking his seat again. Once she was out of earshot, he leaned over and hissed, 'Just because saucepans turn you on by flicking a switch doesn't mean it's the same for me!'

Wes grinned. 'Someone needs to loosen their handle. If you're too tightly wound you could explode...'

Blaine glared at him. 'Taps are rather strong.'

David coughed. 'Rather hard.'

Wes looked at him in shock. 'Hi-five man!'

The senior groaned and put his head in his hands. 'I don't know why I am your friend.'

'Maybe so that you have someone to vent to about how you feel about Ku-'

'Shut UP David. Please.'

Wes suddenly grinned. 'Yeah David, you need the tap's water in the saucepan so you can heat her up.'

Both boys looked at him in horror. 'I'm moving.'

'Yeah me too.'

Wes gasped. 'What! Come on, it was a joke! Come on!' The boy pouted and struck up a lively conversation with the chair.

'But seriously dude, why won't you get with the hose already?' David nudged him.

Blaine sighed before checking they were out of earshot. 'Some closeted moron, let's call him broom-' This made David grin, 'forced himself upon the Armani hose and I don't want to be another broom.'

'You want to be a tap. The perfect match for a hose.'

Blaine nodded, relieved when the teacher asked them to return to their seats.

David sighed. 'That just means we need to get Kurt to make a move. Great.'

* * *

_Oh man I hope you guys enjoy that. Haha yeah no Kurt but I thought it was pretty funny... :P Review please, and tell me if you want another chapter about Wes and David confronting Kurt...?_

_I truly hope you enjoy this, because I had so much fun writing it._


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